Why is that I almost never get excited about things that seem to get eveyone else freaking ecstatic? Why is that the flowers look the same in my eyes, but everyone else sees something beautiful?

Summer is definitely here. You can see it in everyone's faces. It's a freedom giver. Esepecially for students. School is over, and the next two months (give or take) are theirs to do absolutely anything and everything. It's been difficult for me to get excited about summer this year. I've been homeschooled, so even though I've had school, I've had more freedom than the average student. So it's not as big of a change/break for me. If anything, I've been more excited for the next school year. I'm so ready to get back in that routine. Honestly, I've been dreaming my summer away.

It's easy to rely on what obviously makes us excited. It's easier to get excited about getting money, or new clothes, or a new phone, or going to the beach, or something like that. All of those things are obviously exciting. Who wouldn't be excited about those things? Even I'd be excited about that. That pattern is true across the board of emotions. It's easier to say that you're happy when absolutely everything is going right in your life. When your grades are up, when there's no drama, when things are going your way. Of course you'd be happy. It's almost not even a choice to be happy in those times. It's more of a given.

So many things in this life are a choice. More than we think. Some choices we make sub-conciously. So much of your life is controled by your choices. I don't know about you, but I easily forget that. My mind tells me I'm trapped in the life I live. That is painfully untrue. I could be in a dramtically and drastically different place in life right now, but I'm choosing to be where I am. Maybe that's not all bad. 

You can choose happiness more often that you realize. Acknowledging the negatives is the lazy, easy way out of life. But chasing after what's good and positive is the hard part. So many of our emotions are a choice. Lately, I've been choosing to be blah about the summer. I've been choosing to see no positive or excitement in what the summer has to offer. Are we not called to have joy in all things... in all times? Are we not called to utilize the down time? There's opportunity, blessing, and happiness in the midst of our emotions. Are we choosing to find it?

Me, Myself, And I.

It's kind of sad how the subject of identity has almost lost its sense of importance, sensitivity, and reverence because of how commonly discussed it is. It seems to be something that's just one of those things... because everyone goes through it. I hate how it has become a "teenage" issue, when clearly, if all adults knew they're identity they wouldn't be leaving their families, ending their lives, and forgetting the responsibility they have because they are, indeed, human. I think we sometimes forget that a sense of identity, or lack there of, is the root of so many issues of humanity. It's something that should take extremely high priority.

I know I stated that I hated how the issue of identity has been isolated to teenagers, but there is much truth in that. I just don't believe that it's an issue limited to the second decade of a person's life. I do believe that teenagers do deal with it especially. Teenagers live a hard life. Let's be honest. Now obviously in saying that, I'm acknowledging all of the extremely intensified pain around us and beyond the bubble we call "America". But nonetheless, we have to acknowledge that the issue of identity is painful and difficult. Culture is much to blame for this. We're surrounded by distractions. These distractions tell us what's acceptable and what's miserably unacceptable. They tell us what interests put you in according categories. If you enjoy football, you are a certain type of person. If you enjoy theater, you are this type of person. According to your interests, appearance, etc. you are placed into a certain category. People make assumptions about you, based on what probable category you fit into. It's all very predestined. However, I am completely dissatisfied with this system.

My belief is that identity... true and deep identity... is much bigger than your appearance and your interests. Don't get me wrong. Interests, talents, and personality are SO MUCH of a person and make up so much of a person, but it goes much deeper than that. I'm reading a book right now: Wild at Heart. It's a truly incredible, incredible book about who God has called men to be. It discusses the possibility of healing to the damaged, male heart. It discusses and realizes the dream of every guy, and how the dream plays into our role in Christianity. It talks about how we're called to know who we are in Christ. It talks about how that is the foundation for knowing who we are.

For me, it's hard to entertain the idea of "knowing who I am in Christ". Not because I don't agree, but because I haven't been, and really I'm still not sure of what that means. I mean, the basic definition of it tells us to gain security and confidence by knowing that we are His and that He made us with a unique vision. That's hard for me to rely on. That basic definition at least. It's especially hard for me to rely on because everyone (or every Christian) tries to rely on that. It's not special. It's not about me. Because I'm ONE of many that are His. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we should all be selfish, but I'm realizing a lot about knowing who I am. Sometimes, within reason, we have to focus on ourselves. We need to think about us, and we need to think about how we feel. You need to know YOU are worthy. I know, I can already see you cringing while you read those sentences. I'm not encouraging selfishness and pride. At all. And if that's what you take away from this, you didn't read it correctly. Go back and read it again, because that's not what I said. My point is that the issue of identity and knowing who we are is about you. And in order to walk through the process of finding yourself, you have to dwell on yourself. You have to think about how you feel. Now that I've got that point across, I'll go back to my idea earlier in the paragraph. I feel like since everyone is told to know who they are in Christ that it's not special to me, it's not about my unique self. That's why we have to go past basic definition.

You have to go deeper. Christ made us all uniquely, right? That's what it's all about. Well then not everyone can have their identity cured by a blanket fix. Who you are in Christ is completely different from who the rest are. You have to talk to God about who you specifically are. There is no blanket fix for the issue of identity. God has made you so uniquely different from, literally, everyone. His plan for you, your role in His story... are the only plans and stories like them. There are no accidental duplicates. Knowing who YOU are in Him is a journey, but an outrageously important and urgent journey at that. It's something that is almost never started too soon. And I'm wondering if it ever ends. I see hope in this journey. I see healing. I see empowerment. I see a process that better equips you for life than any form of education ever could. I see strength. I'm begging you to ask God what He thinks of you, and to ask Him who you are. Because He'll show you. He knows you need to know.

God has shown me a little bit of who I am in Him. When it hit me, I literally burst into tears. That's really unusual for me. It's the most joyful, empowering, peacful, and comforting feeling I've ever experienced. You suddenly have this feeling that you can keep on. You can keep running. You have a love for yourself that you've never imagined. You're so unbelievably excited because you see these incredible ways that God wants to use you. All those things that hurt you, all those rocks that have been thrown at you, seem to melt away. Forgiveness seems more possible than ever. You feel unity with Christ. Please, please ask Him. Start this journey. You need it.

A story was recently shared with me. It talked about this woman in her forties that was sitting in front of a Christian therapist. She was in therapy for words that had been spoken against her in elementary school. She was called fat, ugly, unintelligent, awkward, weird, and everything else in the book. At one point, she was misbehaving in class and the teacher decided to punish her by having all of the other kids come up and write what they thought of her on the board. They wrote those very words of hate. She was panicking because she felt like she was becoming those things at 40. The therapist then told her to relive the moment, to face the moment in her mind again when all those kids wrote those horrid things on the board. She immediately started tearing up. The therapist then told her to look at the board, and notice Jesus walking up behind the kids, picking up the eraser, and taking out all of those words written. I want you to imagine this for yourself. I want you to imagine all those horrible things that people used to hurt you, written on a board, and then Jesus coming and erasing every wound you have.

Healing is the first step to knowing who you are. Let Jesus release you of your wounds, and begin the beautiful journey of finding yourself.