My vote for change.

Let's just say, I wouldn't have voted for Obama if I had been of age, but his campaign of change is everywhere. I use the word "everywhere" very loosely, but I wish I didn't, because I'm serious this time. Every aspect of this life... is changing. I've grown up with negative change. In my younger days, things would change, but they would never be positive. Our family would move, my dad would get laid off, my mom would get another job, but none of this was positive. Even in more recent days, change has been hard.

This life is changing so much right now. This time, it's less of a physical change. Who I am is changing. What I am is changing. My relationships, my opinions, my goals, my personality... they're all changing. Even little things. My annoyances, my fun, my tastes... everything, and I mean everything, is changing. And for once, I'm really happy about it. This is the first major change I've experienced that has been and is going to be positive. I'm excited about life. I'm finding joy in who I am. I'm finding confidence in what this life is and what it makes me.

I think I'm beginning a new phase of this life. I've wanted things to change for a long time now. It feels as if my life began in May of 2008. Before then, I wasn't serious about my relationship with Christ. It really is interesting how we're born again. I've been a christian all my life, but I didn't have a serious relationship with Christ until around May of last year. I've noticed that when I think about my life, I measure time by the milestones I pass in my spiritual life. Over the summer, I realized that I needed God. I went through a big loss and that was a huge awakening for me. I realized not only that I needed him, but that he had placed a huge call on my life. That was phase one. This entire school year has been confusing. God has showed me the meaning of selflessness. He's showed me that he's always waiting to use me, but it's up to me to make the effort of seeking him with all of me. He's showed me that he's surrounded me with amazing relationships. That was phase two. Phase two was long, and I may have a little bit more of it left. However, I feel phase three coming on soon. I'm not sure what phase three holds, but I know it's going to be incredible. God has grown me so much through phase one and two. I know it's in preparation for the next phase of my life and so on. I'm so grateful and ecstatic for this growth and how God wants to use it.

There's no doubt that I'm excitedly and restlessly awaiting the next phase of my life, but I'm seeing that some of it will be hard. I'm having to let go of a lot of things. Even some people. But I'm not even going to continue talking about the loss, because the excitement and goodness that's coming outweighs it completely. Part of what God is showing me is optimism. He's showing me that much of happiness is a choice. I can choose to be positive. It's hard sometimes, but it's also something we should celebrate.

I really can't wait to see what God is going to do.

Doubting Thomas

I listened to the song 'Doubting Thomas' tonight by Nickel Creek. It's powerful and I recommend it to everyone and anyone. I'll go ahead and share the lyrics with you here.

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me
Will I discover a soul-saving love
Or just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of death
I bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
Cause I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your promise
Though I know nothin's safe
Oh me of little faith

I relate to so much of this song. I think a lot of Christians do. There's so much to it, really. I search for purpose. It's this constant, continual thing I do. And I wonder if I'll ever find it. We get so caught up in definition these days. I've begun to hate the word "technically." I'm not technical. I have no definition. But I do have emotion. I've seen so many technical definitions of purpose. I've found those, but I've yet to find the feeling of purpose. I'm a doubting Thomas, because I question whether I'll ever find it. I hate this campaign of losing emotion and replacing it with fact. My heart is not made up of fact and specification. Rather... feeling, emotion, drive, passion, and pursuit. I think I may have replaced purpose with happiness in my mind. I know if I find purpose, I'll find happiness. Maybe that's true, but it leaves with with feelings of discontent and sorrow in the mean time. That "mean time" seems endless. I have no answer to the question of where to find the feeling of purpose, but I seek it every minute.

I've talked about this before, but I've become so fond of pain. Like in the song, I pray for a slap in the face, but I run away from it because I'm cowardly. Sometimes I question my ability to define what it is I want. I must come to the point where I'm content in the down time. Because I know I'm content when life throws everything at me. For some reason, I find meaning in that. I know there's meaning in this time of nothing, but I'm too selfish to find it. So instead I dream of tomorrow. I'm stuck in this everlasting rut that I'm containing myself in. I refuse to make the choice of seeking God and everything he has, because I'd rather dream until the next day. It all comes back to me. Blaming is easy, but this truth is hard. God, forgive me for this time I've wasted.

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die

How can I expect God to use me if I'm looking back the whole time. I'm in this down time, and I pray that God will use me daily, but I'm selective. Selective. That is inexcusable. How can I be used by God to show others what he'll do in their lives, if I'm questioning his plan to use my own life? This undefinable, emotional heart of mine cannot be broken up. I cannot put half of my heart into His plan. It takes all. These questioning bread crumbs must go, because their proof that I don't trust Him. How can I sit and beg for a better life, when I don't trust his method of doing so? I'm a doubting Thomas.

I've lost all optimism. I remember excitement. I can define both for you, but where's the feeling? Maybe these words are better felt. Maybe definitions are anticlimactic. But feelings can be chosen. Am I choosing to live this life of discontent? Say what you will about definition, but I'm beginning to believe that choice is more relevant than previously thought to be. This life is a choice. You can try and define it, but you'll never get through to this human spirit we posses. Humans must experience on their own. They must feel. But they always have the choice.

Anticlimactic much?

It amuses me how every year everyone gets so outrageously ecstatic for the new year. We come up with these new resolutions, these new life changers. Don't get me wrong, I love new beginnings and I see new years as a chance for new beginnings, but am I the only one who woke up on January 1st and thought to myself, "What now?" (Please don't read this as negativity, because it isn't.) I feel the same. My routine is the same. My friends are the same. Where's the dramatic change? Sure, I've made my "resolutions." But still, it doesn't feel any different.

I began to get discouraged. This was the first new year I've really taken interest in out of all the years that have passed. I got so excited. I couldn't wait to see the new start. However, in my mind, I was disappointed. It was anticlimactic. I built it up so high in my mind, yet I saw nothing different. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I don't realize that my life is so great, that there isn't really any changing that needs to happen. There are others that NEED this new start. They need to make serious, drastic, and dramatic change in their lives. I've got it good.

Let me get off track for a second - bare with me. Do you live off goals? I seem to, lately. I'm not happy unless there's something that I need to work toward. If I feel like there isn't a big dilemma I'm working out or some drama thats happening, then I feel lousy. I think this way because I've come to the realization that I'm not bettering myself unless I'm hurting. Which is true to a certain extent. We grow out of pain. I feel brainwashed or something. I feel like I'm abnormal (well, I am :D) because I almost... I kind of... am glad to see pain coming. Only because I know that I'll grow from it and I'll draw closer to God... at least I will in the end of it. I see that in myself and it worries me. I shouldn't be that fond of pain, should I? It's not the pain itself, though, that I'm so fond of. It's the result of it. It's what pain produces; strength, spiritual depth, growth. I feel like I'm not making progress unless I'm going through something that, in the end, will strengthen me.

I find greater accomplishment and affirmation in pain than I do in the coming of a new year. I want to see God working in amazing ways. And I'm human, therefore I'm impatient. I simply cannot wait to see what God will do. Lately, I've been too anxious and ready to see who I'll become. I'm no longer content with who I am, so I sit around and wait for me to transform. I'd like to share with you that I just came to that conclusion - just here and now. I've finally diagnosed myself.

Here are two quotes that I've been throwing around in my mind lately:
"There's always work to be done."
"Do the things you know you need to do, even when you don't feel like doing them."

I simply cannot wait around any longer and wait for myself to transform. I simply will not wait for 2009 to come along and baffle my mind. There's always work to be done. Dreaming won't accomplish the changes I want to see... in myself, in my surrounding, in my life. I have to put myself into action. I have to work in bettering myself. I have to simply live for God and NOTHING ELSE. He'll show me incredible things. He's just waiting for me to sit up and seek Him firstly.

Maybe you've been discouraged by 2009. I know I have, but don't get loose hope. If you're seeking change, tell God. I think he of all people will understand (I know he's not a person, but I couldn't think of anything else to say). Not in an effort to throw the Bible at you, but I think about when Jesus was here teaching and sharing the Good News. He desired change more than we ever could or will. He understands that we're frustrated with our surroundings. He understands that we want things to be different. Give those things to him, let go of everything else, and seek him only. God desires for us to have an open mind. Be open to his incredibleplan for your life. Always look for ways to better yourself in Him. He has mind-blowing things waiting for you.

Orchestrated.

Do you ever just sit back quietly and think about your life? Think about how your life is orchestrated? If you don't, you should, because it gives you an extraordinary outlook on life.

I was thinking the other day. I thought about my past. I thought about what I've been through. I thought about all the crap I went through and hard it was. I thought about how some of it still hurts. I'm not interested in victimizing myself through this note; so hold your sympathy. We've all been through it. We're all still hurting. All of these things... crap, relationships, hard times... they're all experiences. I like to think this whole life is an experience. It's an experience that's only in preparation for the rest of our lives.

I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for those experiences. If I hadn't gone through those hard times, I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. Those horrid experiences taught me and strengthened me. They also shaped me. Do you ever think about how all of those experiences are orchestrated?

I'm not one to believe that God causes horrible things to happen in our lives. But I'm a strong believer in his use of those horrible things. God has used so many experiences to strengthen and teach me. That amazes me. He's orchestrating all of these things to give us the strength and the shape to do what he's called us to do and even to relate to others. I've experienced the realization of God using something horrible to teach me and allow me to relate to others. Granted, it may not have been on a large scale level. Regardless, God can and will use what you're going through. And when he does... you'll be dumbfounded and grateful.

When you're going through something horrible, it's surprisingly very uplifting to be able to look at your situation and think to your self, "God can use this." It gives you this positive ability to look at what you're going through and not loose hope. If you're anything like me, it'll even excite you. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not diminishing what you're going through. Rather, I'm sharing this with you to give you hope.

God is bigger than your situation. Extremely bigger. Give it to him.

Searching.

I'm reading two books right now. Job and The Purpose Driven Life.

Right now, I'm searching. Searching for direction, purpose, everything. I'm not sure about anything. I know that God has a plan for me. And I know that I'm where I am in life for a reason, but I don't know what that reason is. It's the most frustrating thing in the world. I feel unsure of everything. Even down to reading the Bible... I don't know where to start, where to read. Thank goodness I had a friend suggest reading Job (He also suggested The Purpose Driven Life). It feels as though no one knows where I'm at. People come close, but not close enough. I'm learning that my purpose comes from God. I was born by his purpose and for his purpose. That's something great to be grasped. I'm learing that, but I know I still don't fullyunderstand what that means. To know that HE is the reason I'm here... The reason I'm living. That is huge. Even beginning to understand that changes everything. It changes the way I think.

I want so badly to know where I'm going - To know what I'm supposed to be doing. I have to seek him first. I'm learing that, too. I have a strong hunger for God. It's one of those things where I've come to the conclusion that it's mandatory for me to seek God, to get more of him. It's no longer this emotional amazement of Him - I have to come closer to him. It's my only option.

I'm in a defining moment right now. This part of my life is huge. I can feel it.. It's crazy. I know I'm going to look back to this time and think about how all this changed me and how this shaped who I am... who I will become. When I realize that this part of my life is so big, it makes me want to do this right. I don't want to mess this up. It becomes overwhelming to think about, but I know that God is with me. Even though I may not feel him. He's not going to leave this all to me. He's not going to leave me alone to fend for myself. If he did... I would crumble. Still, it's not something I'm taking light-heartedly.

I'm speechless. Judging by all the writing I'm doing it may not look that way, but I am. It catches my eye just thinking about what God is doing. What he's doing in me. How he has made me different. It makes me incredibly excited in the midst of all the confusion.

I'm just taking this life one step at a time.