I've come so far. God's done so much inside of me. Especially in the last year. It's been a journey. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how much of an internal journey it's been. Maybe that's normal. I don't know. But what I do know is that it hasn't been this journey that involves people or a journey that involves my outward life drastically changing. But I, myself, changed so much. Sometimes I find myself not even recognizing me. It's a good thing.
I'm learning to appreciate the person that God has made more and more, that person being me. I've found it hard to settle with my humanity. I've figured out that you cannot base yourself on earthly things and people, and you cannot rely on those things and people. They will fail you. Even I, myself, have failed me. I cannot even rely on myself. Nothing is safe. It's only Him. It's a struggle to come to grips with that. It would even be nice to be able to only rely on God and yourself. Learning to not rely on people was tough for me, but because of the grace of God, I learned how. But learning how to not rely on not even myself has been the most difficult by far. Hands down.
Through all of that, I'm also learning the beauty of humanity. I'm finding the beauty of having nothing; the beauty of nothing and no one being safe. God comes through. I find everything I need in Him. I find my strength in Him. I find my self-respect in Him. I find my stability in Him. I find my words in Him. I find the ability to keep loving in Him. I find my awareness in Him. I find my heart in Him (What a blessing that is, because I'm constantly losing it.) I find my happiness in Him. I find my purpose in Him. I find the better ending of a horrible day in Him. Everything I need - it's all there. Lack is foreign in Him. I don't have to bring anything to the table. But at the table, I find everything.
He's the most joyful part of my life. When I've had it with this world I'm trapped in, when I'm through with myself, when I'm exhausted... I turn to Him, and my spirits are lifted. My shoulders are no longer tied down. I remember who I am. I remember who He is. I remember what I want to do. I remember what my dreams are. I find motivation. I could keep writing about what I find in Him and what He gives me all day.
I struggle with the spirit of inadequacy and self-hate. It's probably my biggest struggle. It's a trapped feeling. I feel like I'm in this box that I can't get out of... and that box is me. I feel called to a million things, and I want to worship this indescribable God, but I find myself incapable of coming through. Failure is a word that haunts me. I come home sometimes and just sit there and weep, because Satan stands there and beats me, saying:
"Look what you did. How could you even dare try? You are only screwing up everything. Just stop now before you do even more damage. You have failed. You have failed everyone in your life and even the God you attempt to serve."
The bitter truth is, that's what I listen to on a regular basis. Those are the thoughts I battle. I've been tempted more than anything to give into those thoughts and just stop altogether. If it weren't for Jesus, I'd be done for. However, I find restoration in Him. I find promise in Him. He looks at me and says:
"Don't just sit there and take that from him. You are not a failure. Fight back. Here's the strength you need to do so. You're doing what I've asked of you, and that is truth you need to rely on. I'm always here."
His voice is music to my ears. His presence: a sight for my painfully soar eyes. Satan is waiting for a cop-out. He is waiting for me, and everyone, to give into failure. You see, failure is easy. Failure is the lazy option. Punching back and treading on is the hard option. Satan's war technique is filling the heads of God's people with doubt, frustration, and pain. So much so that we all give up, we all clock out. We have to realize the war that's going on, and how much we're involved. Thoughts of failure are a sick, scum-of-the-earth attempt at taking you out; removing you from the picture so that you are no longer a threat. You ARE a threat. You are a frighteningly dangerous fighter for God. Own that. Receive and claim that. Don't be ignorant to the war that's going on.
God's been showing me a lot. I'm ready for Him to use me. I feel like He's longing to do so much with our generation. I feel the stirring of hearts like how the leaves twirl on the street when a storm is coming. Something big is well on it's way. I'm thankful for His preparation. I'm ready for battle. I'm ready for Him to use me. And I'm confident, but only because I find everything I need in Him.
