Searching.

I'm reading two books right now. Job and The Purpose Driven Life.

Right now, I'm searching. Searching for direction, purpose, everything. I'm not sure about anything. I know that God has a plan for me. And I know that I'm where I am in life for a reason, but I don't know what that reason is. It's the most frustrating thing in the world. I feel unsure of everything. Even down to reading the Bible... I don't know where to start, where to read. Thank goodness I had a friend suggest reading Job (He also suggested The Purpose Driven Life). It feels as though no one knows where I'm at. People come close, but not close enough. I'm learning that my purpose comes from God. I was born by his purpose and for his purpose. That's something great to be grasped. I'm learing that, but I know I still don't fullyunderstand what that means. To know that HE is the reason I'm here... The reason I'm living. That is huge. Even beginning to understand that changes everything. It changes the way I think.

I want so badly to know where I'm going - To know what I'm supposed to be doing. I have to seek him first. I'm learing that, too. I have a strong hunger for God. It's one of those things where I've come to the conclusion that it's mandatory for me to seek God, to get more of him. It's no longer this emotional amazement of Him - I have to come closer to him. It's my only option.

I'm in a defining moment right now. This part of my life is huge. I can feel it.. It's crazy. I know I'm going to look back to this time and think about how all this changed me and how this shaped who I am... who I will become. When I realize that this part of my life is so big, it makes me want to do this right. I don't want to mess this up. It becomes overwhelming to think about, but I know that God is with me. Even though I may not feel him. He's not going to leave this all to me. He's not going to leave me alone to fend for myself. If he did... I would crumble. Still, it's not something I'm taking light-heartedly.

I'm speechless. Judging by all the writing I'm doing it may not look that way, but I am. It catches my eye just thinking about what God is doing. What he's doing in me. How he has made me different. It makes me incredibly excited in the midst of all the confusion.

I'm just taking this life one step at a time.