What's worse is I can't even put my finger on why I'm drained. Trying to figure that out just results in further draining. What's wrong? Why do I feel so mentally and spiritually exhausted?
God feels far.
Better yet, I feel far from Him. I feel like He's there, but I feel far from Him. What am I doing that pushes me away? How long will this last?
I finally made time to talk to Him tonight. It felt forced. It was forced. I feel like every thought further pushes Him back. I don't intend for that to happen, but it feels like it does anyway.
But then again, nothing is as I intend for it to be. Nothing.
Even right now, I know He knows every word of this blog right now. Are my words offensive? Am I neglectful? Is this punishment for not spending time with Him for the past few weeks?
Could I be more frustrated with my thoughts and with my spiritual life right now? How come all of this frustration comes at a time with I'm facing no huge challenge, but rather, when life is going really well, yet I still feel low? I'm tired of living with less answers and more questions.
I feel like this is it. I feel like I'm never getting out of this rut. I know I will, but it feels so eerie.
I feel like I'm in a dark room, and I can't even see the hand in front of my face. The hand isn't even mine. It's waiting to take me back and renew my love and my passion. I can only imagine what the hand has to offer. It's right there in front of my face.
But it's a million miles away. And so am I.
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